Category: Dating and Relationships
I had an interesting discussion, and so I’d like to see what you here think on the Zone.
First, when a couple decides to try an intimate, or dating relationship, how long, or when these things should be expected.
1. Exclusive. He/she only talks to, or sees you. Some don’t believe there lovers should even have friends of the opposite sex, but I’m speaking only of other dates.
2. Sex, he/she can ask for, and reasonably expect the other partner to be willing to participate. If you believe sex should not happen until marriage, say this too, and why.
3. Setting up house together. How long before you expect this to happen?
4. Marry, or decide you are a permanent couple, until such time you aren’t?
These are some interesting questions. My view on all is not terditional, so I'm interested in others?
I feel that by expecting any of these things to happen, people are just setting themselves up for disappointment.
I'm not saying that wanting these things, or hoping for these things, is bad. however, letting them happen naturally, really takes the pressure off everyone involved.
cause, if these things are meant to happen with someone a person is dating, I believe they will.
talking about them with one another is great, though, for sure, especially where sex, marriage, and living together is concerned.
for example, if one of you has a high sex drive, and the other person doesn't, it's best to get that out in the open as soon as possible.
I'm not sure if that fully gives you what you're looking for, but let me know, and I'll do my best to explain further, if I need to.
Chelsea is absolutely spot on. There is no magical time formula, for any age, and so these
things will follow a natural progression if they are allowed to. If the progression is stuck,
communication is the only way through that, and communication should really be
proactive to get these issues in the open as soon as the couple feels they are going to be
a permanent couple. The answers do not all need to be known just then, but periodic
follow up conversations will help flush out the answers and in a healthy couple, lead to
agreement or compromise based on their love progress.
I'm not looking for a right, or wrong, solution, just opinions on what people think.
It might be, a person feels if they have had 2 or 3 dates, they can now ask for sex.
Some might feel, after dating 6 months, or a year, they should be at the level or moving in.
I find that many believe once you say you are dating, this means exclusive, or one on one right away. There is no grace period while you are getting to know each other. You can only date them, and can not go out, or spend intimate time with anyone else, because you are now BF GF, or a couple.
This can be local, or long distance.
Just opinions, or feelings, is what I'd like to learn.
Yes, I also agree that it all just ocmes naturally. It depends on the couple honestly. But I'd say if you were planning to move in like six months after you got together, I'd consider that a bit soon myself but then it might work perfectly well for some couples.
I personally wouldn't have sex on the first date, but again, everyone is different and doesn't view sex how I do.
Well, Wayne, your mileage is going to vary dramatically with who you ask because
people's beliefs on living together, sex, dating all vary by age, past experience, religious
affiliation, and future goals.
For me, when younger and had no real spiritual compass, I would have had no problem
having sex or expecting the same by about date 3 or so. Living together would have been
a huge step but I did do this after a few months. Marriage was never a meaningful
commitment and I suppose this is why this relationship died. The only thing that has not
changed is that I had an expectation of exclusivity by about date 3 as well, or basically
once sex was happening.
Now, if I was ready to date, I would still expect exclusivity unless we agreed otherwise,
and if we did agree to not be exclusive, I wouldn't call her my girlfriend, but maybe a
close friend who I was interested in. I have spiritual convictions now that would lead me
to pursue not having sex before marriage and definitely not living together, as I see how
this has ruined 2 of my relationships already. On the sex issue, as a guy, that would be so
hard and I would imagine it would be a struggle, and I suppose I could justify some
sexual intimacy that did not cross the line beyond third base, but it's only human to
struggle with this. I can say now that if I was looking, I would approach one person at a
time, and if she had the minimal traits I know I need in a partner, I would date her
exclusively but move really fast in terms of getting to know her, asking the hard
questions, spending a lot of time together and seeing how she reacts in various situations.
Experience and age gives a person wisdom in these decisions and discussions.
So asking younger couples or those without much dating experience will lead to vastly
different results than you will get from older, more experienced folk, or those who have
strong and solid spiritual beliefs or morals. No answer is incorrect as it depends on the
context of the people involved.
Rachael, who is to say 6 months, or a shorter timeframe is too soon for sex, or for moving in with one's partner?
I respect people's differing opinions, but I'm a firm believer that just as every relationship is different, so too, is the timeframe for things happening within every relationship.
I realize it's common for people to feel a certain timeframe is too soon, cause they think they wouldn't move at such a pace, themselves, but honestly, you just never know how things will happen.
in my opinion, the more open people are to the fact things sometimes happen faster than most would feel comfortable with, the easier it is to accept each couple's differences.
Thanks Shaydz. I do realize my mileage will vary. It is why I asked.
If I’m lucky, I’ll get several post, and opinions from a wide range of people, male, and female.
I’d like to ask two questions of you, and these are open to others.
I’d like to know your thoughts due to your changes, and how you were before these changes.
First, why should the addition of sex require exclusivity immediately when it starts to happen?
Now that you are spiritual, and you have no expectations of sex before marrying, does the dating need to be exclusive after the 3RD date?
A few things. Keep in mind, Chelsea, Rachel didn't say six months was too soon for everyone, just that it would be for her personally. I can understand that.
I don't know how to answer this, Wayne, because it's so drastically different depending on the couple. It's hard to even answer them for myself, because the timeline for these things has varied as I dated different people over the years. I've done anything from sex on the first date to waiting a few months for that. I would have once said that a couple should wait maybe a year before getting engaged, and here I've gotten engaged after being with my boyfriend for six months, and I firmly believe I'm doing the right thing. As far as dating, I guess that gets into semantics, and what certain words mean to you personally. For example, if I apply that label to myself and a partner, it means we're exclusive. Otherwise, if I wasn't exclusive, I said things like I was seeing them sometimes, or getting to know them, or friends with benefits, whatever, but dating for me means exclusive. Once again, I can't pin a timeline on when a couple should become exclusive, becase it just depends on both parties. I also stress that I know the term dating means different things to different people, this is just for myself.
That helps. I have learned many things.
I've learned some feel things come naturally.
I've learned dating to some means exclusive, and other terms need to be applied to other situations.
I've learned toat most people think in time lines. 3RD date, 6 months.
I appreciate all that have posted, and am hoping to get lucky with others.
Re: your questions in post #8.
I suppose the values instilled in me as a person growing up valued monogamy. I also did
not move from one relationship to another quickly, and either had time in between
relationships and had relationships that lasted a fairly decent length of time. As such, I
suppose I placed value in being fully committed to the one I was with at any one time. I
did have interest in multiple people, for sure, but once I became intimate with one of
these people I would direct my attention towards them and go into friend mode with the
others. So in short, one's view on exclusivity is affected by the degree to which they value
monogamy and the importance it has to both parties in the relationship, as well as to just
exactly how much attention or effort they plan to expend on this relationship and not on
other potential partners at the same time.
Now, as a Christian, if I were to be dating again, my interest in being exclusive would not
be tied to the emotional bonding that sex provides, but rather due to respect, my values,
and really putting all my efforts into learning about a person's other qualities during an
intense dating time. I would be wanting to know more about the person quickly, and be
not interested in anyone else at the same time. Having said this, I would still keep female
friends, but my romantic interests would be solely focused. When one delays gratification
through the absence of sex in a relationship, one has the desire to eventually get to this
place, but as long as one values the person they are dating and intends this to be the only
potential partner they intend to stay with for the rest of their life, it is critical to iron out
all the other issues first before taking the huge leap into sex. As I said, sexual intimacy
cannot be ignored, even if one professes to wait for marriage to have sex, and to deny
this would be wrong and impossible. There is much to be learned about chemistry in the
areas of intimacy without actually having sex, and the physical act is really minor once
true intimacy in all other areas is found. I guess you could argue my definition of waiting
for sex before marriage is very specific then, and I don't have a problem with that - I
don't object to being physical, but this is a dangerous road to go down and a very slippery
slope, so proceed with caution and avoid temptation if this is truly something you want.
Exclusivity, for me, has always equated to respect and commitment. If I felt at any time
that this was the wrong person for me, I could never live with myself in continuing a
relationship. I would either work on the relationship I was currently in, or end it before
eventually deciding to be exclusive with the next person.
exclusivity comes naturally to me, just as talking about things early on in a relationship that are deemed to be tough subjects, comes naturally to me.
there was a time when I tossed around the idea of being with multiple people at once, due to the circumstances I was going through. however, I'm passed that, now, and I wouldn't ever carry it out, in actuality.
I remember that.
Tell me, how was it you changed so easily from the view that monogamy wasn't necessary?
Hi Chelsea, yes, that's why I said it could be different for different people and i have certainly known of couples who have hit it off very fast - within that time frame.
I guess it's gopt a lot to do with society and what they try and tell you as being the norm.
If we assume, and all agreed that society dictates our dating/relationship habits, and opinions, what would you say was the general rules?
Here’s my thoughts.
Once we decide we are dating, even if we have not met in person, it is monogamous.
If we are able to meet in person, sex usually is not expected, or offered until date 2 or 3. Anything before 3 is thought the female is a slut, and the man is not expected to respect her, or stick around for the long term, as related to dating.
Even if you want sex, giving it to quickly is thought to end the situation.
After the 3RD date, or sex, and if that encounter is good enough where the couple wishes to continue, we have to have love, or getting to love. Sex and love are not separate.
The man always pays for the first, and second dates, or until sex is added in the relationship.
I’d love some information on gay couples, male and female, if someone would be willing to post.
I agree with Post 13.
Anyone curious to know how it was, look up a board topic called monogomit.
That's the spelling: m o n o g o m I t.
Sort of a long thread, but the thought experiment that evolved throughout it was the idea of the polyamorous, what that's like. Chelsea in that topic was rather instrudctive. There have been a couple other threads on here in that regard.
Like Wayne, I'm naturally curious about how, and particular, why, the thoughts have changed. People learn more from the why behind someone's change, more than just 'oh I'm different now.' My niece went through a metamorphosis of this nature, described why it works now for her as it does, and why it worked then as it did for her. Very intelligent responses she had. So, we're all curious: What made you join us, the supermajority, the popular crowd? Your posts on the other thread forced me to be able to communicate more clearly why I was in a monogamous relationship, something I as one of the popular / normal people in that situation, took for granted and never even gave it a second thought. Perhaps your responses here, as to why you've joined the supermajority will further help people understand how they think. Most of us, myself included, didn't 'choose' to be monogamous. It just ... is, the "normal" thing to do, nobody does any differently. What's it like for you, to have actually chosen it? Remember, ymuch of what you have no doubt thought through, the rest of us just sort of rolled along with the tide, being monogamous, never giving it a second thought. But you actually did it the other way, if I understand you right, thought things all the way through, figured it out for yourself that in your case at least, it doesn't work, and changed your mind. All of that takes intelligent thought, foresight and hindsight. Just like the 2.5 million polyamorous Americans who have had to figure out how to do those triads, multiple whatever they call its, and still have cohesive families. Many of them are in high-paying positions.
Just so you understand, we're not getting upset or anything. Most of us simply never did that thought process, ever. Most have just rolled with the tide. Consequently you probably have insight in ways you yourself might not know. Wayne and I ask with the best of intentions.
as I said on the monogomit topic, what forced me to question monogamy, was the health issues I was going through, at the time.
during that time, I constantly thought, "if I was in a relationship with someone, I wouldn't be happy, knowing that I'm unable to provide for the person sexually, in any copacity.
so, I'd want them to at least have the freedom to choose whether they'd wanna be with other people or not."
however, once my circumstances changed, and my health issues became manageable, I was able to think more clearly about this sort of thing.
as I also said in that particular topic, I've always been monogamous, and I realize, now, that I always will be so.
therefore, I'd refer to this whole thing, not as me changing, but having the guts to question my stance on relationships, when my circumstances encouraged me to do so.
people often act like going with the pack is a bad thing, but I'd say that's true, only when people go along with society's norms, rather than at least questioning why things are the way they are.
when a person has taken the time to think things through, then he or she decides that monogamy is just what works best, as I've done, I see that as my thought processes simply evolving, rather than me actually changing my thought processes.
now, if I had actually been with multiple people, then, yes, this sort of attitude would certainly be considered a change in who I was.
at the time I posted in the monogomit topic, I absolutely meant what I said. at that time, I honestly didn't think I'd think any differently than when I posted, just as, at the time, I didn't think there would ever be an end to the health issues I was dealing with.
anyway, I hope that's a clear enough explanation.
So, what if your mates health fails, or your's again?
I'm not willing to discuss my personal relationship with the world, but as I said, I know that I'll always be monogamous, so there's your answer.
I forgot to say that the difference between now, and when I was dealing with my health issues last year, is the fact that I now know how to manage them. back then, I had no clue how to do so.
that makes a big difference in one's life, I tell ya.
Sorry. I wasn't asking about your personal relationship, only your general thoughts as to now that you've changed.
Applied to any relationship you might be involved in.
But I think I have it.
Thank you.
This topic is about opinions or thoughts. I appreciate all that have posted.
Chelsea, I admire your courage. Yes, very well explained, and thanks. I tend to agree Re:
going along with the pack not necessarily being a bad thing, provided people know why,
which clearly you do, and have thought it all through.
I really don't have a problem explaining why I've done things, and why or how things have changed.
in fact, I'm always happy to do so, cause I want people to understand me as best as they can.
I find that, on the zone in particular, though, some people ask questions just to cause contention, which is often what makes me hesitate to take the time to respond to people's questions thoughtfully and honestly.
You'll probably get to know who of us, when asking, are doing so with honest intentions. I know what you mean, but often those who are doing so just to be argumentative, are doing so in an argumentative and congroontational manner.
I know. I used to be one of those myself, after all, just cause I could be.
it was fun for a little while, but I no longer wanna be a Toys R Us kid, so to speak.